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The Misconceptions Behind the Baby Mama

There have been quite a few people who have used the term "baby mama" with me, even just in conversation and not necessarily directly towards me, but I cringe every time I hear it.

Urban Dictionary defines Baby Mama as

"A stereotype associated with baby mama's is they are poor, lazy bitches who trapped the man into getting her pregnant or tricked him by saying she was on the pill, thinking the man would pay her way in life just because she has a child with him."

I have seen and heard people use the term "baby mama" in the most derogatory ways and I'm here to put an end to all that madness.

The reality about the stereotype towards "baby mama's" is that most women that have kids with men are after their money and they use their kids to collect. But can we just take a moment to reflect on that?

I'm not going to deny the fact that there are some women out there who may be doing that and it's a sad situation for not only that woman, but especially for the children that it is affecting.

However, the "baby mama's" that are actually amazing, hard-working mothers who truly care for their kids and have no one to really help them, that money that is being given for child support is generally not even enough money to support that child's needs. But at the end of the day, we still have a reputation that feels unforgiving and misunderstood.

Many mothers who are supporting their children 100% of the time or majority of the time, know that it requires more than just the bare minimum to put food in our children's mouths, to give our children the quality of life they deserve such as putting them in activities that cost an arm and a leg, to put clothes on their backs every 3-months because they grow like weeds and soap to wash themselves with. To take them out to eat at their favorite restaurant or go out for a treat when they did something amazing at school. The gifts that need to be bought for their friends birthday parties and fees for field trips and school supplies. Not to mention child care and babysitters, traveling expenses. How about cavity fillings, the portion our insurance doesn't cover and the toys, the apps, the games? Day by day costs add up, and the parent who is with the child doesn't even think twice about it, because they know that is required when you have children.

So much gets overlooked when raising a child, because when you are the parent doing it, you are simply doing it, because thats what we do as parents. But when you are the parent who isn't around as often, it may feel like money down the drain or a big question mark in you mind where that money goes. I understand it can be difficult to accept that some of your money is going to a place you have no control over. But the reality is, most mothers are using child support for exactly that, to support our children.

Money is definitely one issue, but the other big issue is the "drama".

My ex and I have definitely come a long way since the early years when we first separated and those first years were full of drama and heartache. Since then, we have overcome a lot as we've learned to co-parent together much more cohesively.

What many call drama, i view it a little differently. I believe most parents when they are arguing is out of passionate belief that they are right. Even with parents who are still together, arguments can escalate because both individuals believe they are right, but parents who are together have a reason to want to work things out, because they are still with their significant other. The challenge when families separate, is there are a lot of differences in opinion and little room to want to work out a solution, because the two parents aren't together anymore. Sometimes the mentality is, "i don't care if it makes it harder for them, because it's easier for me." It is a selfish mentality, and we have all probably been there. I can own the fact that I definitely thought that way at the beginning of our separation. It can be hard to be civil and cordial with our exes, not to mention when one person moves on and finds someone else to be with.

The reality is most people who have "baby mama drama" or even "baby daddy drama" it's generally because there is more to their emotions than simply the benefit of the children. It's usually because one person still has feelings towards the other and the other doesn't. One person is still hurting and they are taking it out on the other parent.

Pain causes many people to react irrationally. Pain associated with love especially.

Rare is a woman out there dreaming of having children and raising them on her own. Rare is a woman out there hoping that the father of her children will simply give her money to support her children and not be around. Rare is a woman who is thinking to have a child with a complete asshole. Rare is the woman who chooses the struggle over peace.

Before calling each other "baby mama" or "baby daddy" consider what that really means to you. Are you using it to disrespect the mother of your child or the father of your child? Is that really what you want your children to understand about their other parent?

Maybe, just maybe it's time to let it all go and respect the parents of your children and do your best for your kids. A piece of that is to respect the mother and the father of your children. Respect.

Xoxo Ailina

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